How to Trust Yourself Again - 7 Ways to Build Self-Trust

Learn to listen to your own voice, honour your needs and make decisions without constantly looking outside yourself for reassurance.

With thanks to Unsplash - unsplash-image-DM43UEwenRA.jpg

Last week, I wrote about what happens when we finally slow down enough to notice what has been difficult to hear beneath the noise.

• We notice how tired we really are.

• We notice what we've been tolerating.

• We notice what no longer feels right.

• We notice what we genuinely need.

But noticing is only the beginning, because once we hear ourselves, we face another question:

Will We Trust What We Hear?

For many of us, including myself, this can be surprisingly difficult. We may know that something doesn't feel right, but still talk ourselves out of taking action.

• We may have an instinct about a decision, but immediately ask someone else what they think.

• We may know we need to say no, but worry so much about disappointing someone that we say yes.

• We may even know exactly what we want, but convince ourselves that there must be a better, more sensible or more acceptable answer.

Over time, we can become very good at listening to everyone else while becoming increasingly disconnected from ourselves.

Perhaps learning to trust yourself again begins with changing that.

Let’s explore what it means to trust yourself

Self-trust isn't about believing you'll always make the right decision, nor is it about never doubting yourself, and it certainly isn't about ignoring advice, feedback or other people's perspectives when the situation needs that reassurance.

Self-trust is something quieter; it’s knowing that you can listen to yourself, and recognise your needs.

• That you can make a decision based on what matters to you.

• That you can change your mind when you learn something new.

• That if you make a mistake, you will be there for yourself afterwards.

Perhaps that's the part we sometimes miss.

Self-trust isn't: "I know I'll get this right."

It can be: "Whatever happens, I trust myself to respond."

That is a very different kind of confidence.

How We Lose Trust In Ourselves

Usually, it doesn't happen all at once; it’s gradual. Self-doubt can develop through hundreds of small moments.

• The moment you ignore your own needs because someone else needs you.

• The time you say yes when you really want to say no.

• The decision you make because it's what you think you should do.

• The opinion you soften because you're worried about what someone else will think.

• The instinct you dismiss because you can't explain it logically.

The countless times you ask: "What do you think?" before asking: "What do I think?"

None of these moments necessarily seem significant on their own, but over time, we can become accustomed to looking outside ourselves for answers.

And when we repeatedly override our own voice, we can begin to lose confidence in our ability to hear it.

7 Signs You May Not Trust Yourself As Much As You Think

You might recognise yourself in some of these.

1. You constantly seek reassurance - you already have an opinion, but you need someone else to agree with you before you feel comfortable acting on it.

2. You overthink even small decisions - you can spend far more energy deciding what to do than actually doing it.

3. You change your mind when someone disagrees - someone else's certainty can make you question your own.

4. You ignore what doesn't feel right - you notice the feeling, but quickly explain it away.

• "I'm probably overreacting."

• "It's not that bad."

• "Maybe I'm just tired."

5. You struggle to answer the question, "What do you want?"

• You know what everyone else needs.

• You know what you're supposed to do.

But when someone asks what you want, you aren't always sure.

6. You're afraid of making the wrong choice

• So you wait.

• Research.

• Ask.

• Analyse.

And sometimes remain stuck because you're looking for certainty that doesn't exist.

You Find It Easier To Trust Other People's Judgement Than Your Own

Perhaps this is the biggest sign of all, and if you recognise yourself here, it doesn't mean something is wrong with you.

It may simply mean that you've had more practice listening to everyone else than listening to yourself.

Self-trust is built through small decisions

We often imagine that trusting ourselves will arrive after one big breakthrough, but that’s not how it happens;  it grows through practice, through the small moments when you listen to yourself and act accordingly, choosing the thing you genuinely want.

• Saying no without writing an essay to explain why.

• Taking the walk because you know you need some space.

• Going home when you're tired.

• Expressing an opinion without immediately adding, "But I'm probably wrong."

• Deciding without asking three other people first.

• Honouring a boundary you've already identified.

These moments may seem insignificant, but they send an important message inward:

·       I hear you.

·       I am listening.

·       What you need matters.

And perhaps, over time, that is how self-trust begins to grow.

7 Practices To Trust Yourself Again

1. Pause before asking someone else

The next time you find yourself reaching for reassurance, pause.

Before asking: "What do you think?" ask yourself: "What do I think?"

You don't have to reject anyone else's opinion, just allow yourself to hear your own first.

2. Start with small decisions

You don't have to begin with a life-changing decision - start with something small:

• What do you want to do this evening?

• What do you need today?

• Do you actually want to go?

• Do you want to say yes?

• Do you need some time alone?

Every small decision is an opportunity to practise listening to yourself.

3. Pay attention to what your body is telling you

Sometimes our bodies notice things before our conscious minds have caught up – you might notice tension when something doesn't feel right and relief when you finally say no. Or energy when something feels meaningful and depletion when you're repeatedly doing something that no longer fits.

This doesn't mean every physical sensation is an answer – think of it as information, and instead of immediately dismissing it, become curious by asking yourself: “What might this feeling be telling me?”

4. Stop waiting for certainty

One of the biggest obstacles to self-trust is believing that we need to feel completely certain before making a decision – we really don't. Sometimes you can have doubts and still move forward; you can be unsure and still choose. Sometimes you simply have to say: "I don't know exactly how this will turn out, but I trust myself to deal with whatever comes next."

That is self-trust.

5. Keep small promises to yourself

Think about the promises you make to yourself.

• "I'll rest tonight."

• "I'll make time for myself."

• "I'll say no next time."

• "I'll stop doing this."

When we repeatedly make promises to ourselves and then ignore them, we can gradually weaken our confidence in our own word.

So make the promises smaller, and keep them - not perfectly or every time, but often enough that you begin to believe yourself again.

6. Let yourself make mistakes

This may be one of the most important parts of self-trust. Trusting yourself doesn't mean: "I will always make the right choice."

It means: "Even when I get it wrong, I won't abandon myself."

• You can make a decision that doesn't work out.

• You can change your mind.

• You can learn something you didn't know before.

• You can take a wrong turn.

None of these things means you can't trust yourself – they are part of being human.

7. Ask yourself better questions

Sometimes we aren't struggling to find an answer; we're asking ourselves the wrong question.

Instead of: What should I do?

Try: What do I actually want?

Instead of: What would everyone else do?

Try: What feels right for me?

Instead of “What will make everyone happy?”

Try: What matters most to me here?

Instead of “What if I make the wrong choice?”

Try: If I trusted myself, what would I choose?

The quality of the question can change the conversation you have with yourself.

A Little About Intuition

Trusting yourself and trusting your intuition can feel almost synonymous, but I think it's worth being curious about the difference.

Not every strong feeling is intuition; sometimes what feels like intuition may be fear, it may be an old pattern, it may be people-pleasing, and it may be a learned response designed to keep us safe.

So rather than telling ourselves to "always trust your gut," perhaps we can ask:

• What is this feeling?

• Where is it coming from?

• Is this an inner knowing, or an old fear?

• Am I moving towards something, or simply trying to avoid discomfort?

Self-trust doesn't mean believing every thought or feeling we have - it means becoming curious enough to understand ourselves.

What Happens When You Begin Trusting Yourself

You may notice that decisions become a little easier, or you find yourself saying no without quite so much guilt.

You may stop needing everyone to agree with you and become clearer about what you want.

You may recognise when something isn't working sooner and become more willing to change direction.

And perhaps most importantly, you may become less dependent on external validation, not because other people's opinions suddenly don't matter, but because they no longer matter more than your own.

Self-trust doesn't necessarily make life easier - It makes your life more yours.

A Simple Self-Trust Practice

I'd like to offer you something very simple to try this week because it works for me when I’m doubting myself.

The next time you are about to ask someone:

"What do you think I should do?"

Pause, take a breath and ask yourself three questions:

• What do I want?

• What matters most to me here?

• If I trusted myself, what would I choose?

You don't have to make the decision immediately or have to follow the answer; this practice is simply to hear your own voice before inviting someone else's, because self-trust grows when we allow ourselves to speak and then, little by little, when we begin taking what we hear seriously.

Book Recommendations To Help You Trust Yourself And Reconnect With Who You Truly Are

If this month's theme of trusting yourself resonates with you, some wonderful books that explore different aspects of the journey are:

Untamed — Glennon Doyle

Untamed explores what happens when we stop living according to the expectations, rules and voices around us and begin listening more closely to ourselves.

Doyle writes about learning to trust ourselves, set boundaries, honour our feelings and reconnect with what feels true.

[Explore Untamed on Amazon – UK only affiliate link]

Set Boundaries, Find Peace — Nedra Glover Tawwab

Sometimes trusting ourselves means recognising that something isn't working and having the courage to respond.

This book offers a practical exploration of boundaries, including how to identify and communicate our needs and become more comfortable saying no.

It is particularly relevant if your difficulty with self-trust shows up through people-pleasing, over-committing or consistently putting everyone else's needs first.

[Explore Set Boundaries, Find Peace on Amazon – UK only affiliate link]

The Connection Code — Dr Melissa Sonners

This is a newer recommendation and one that particularly caught my attention because of how closely its premise connects with this month's theme.

The Connection Code focuses on turning inward rather than continually seeking outside validation. Its publisher describes it as a guide for women who feel disconnected from themselves, caught in self-doubt or people-pleasing, and want to reconnect with their own sense of purpose and identity.

That makes it an interesting companion to the question at the heart of this month's NeuroSoul theme: what happens when we stop looking outside ourselves for the answer?

[Explore The Connection Code on Amazon – UK only affiliate link]

These are affiliate links, which means I may receive a small commission if you choose to purchase through one of my links, at no additional cost to you. I only recommend books and resources that I believe may genuinely support your journey.

A NeuroSoul Reflection

Take a quiet moment today.

You don't need to meditate.

You don't need to journal.

Just pause.

And ask yourself: Where in my life am I asking someone else for an answer I already know?

Then ask: What might happen if I listened to myself first?

Don't rush to answer. Let the question sit with you. Notice what comes up and then, perhaps, take one small step that honours what you've heard.

Because self-trust isn't built in one moment.

• It grows every time we listen.

• Every time we honour ourselves.

• Every time we make a choice.

• Every time we discover that, whatever happens next, we can trust ourselves to meet it.

Remember. Rewrite. Live.

Live by design, not by default.