October Series — Part 3
Exploring people-pleasing, old expectations, fear, habits, busyness, and the stories we tell ourselves that pull us away from what matters.
Image with thanks to Unsplash - Pouya Hajiebrahimi @pouya_he
We all have values: the things we believe are important and the qualities we want to bring to our lives, relationships and decisions.
Yet knowing what matters doesn't always mean living accordingly. We may value balance but fill every available hour, value honesty but avoid difficult conversations, or value connection while allowing busyness to crowd out the people we love.
So, what gets in the way?
Last week, we explored the gap between our stated values and our everyday choices. This week, let's look at why that gap can be so difficult to close.
The Pull Of People-Pleasing
Saying yes can feel easier than saying no. We want to be helpful, dependable and supportive, and we don't want to disappoint others, but when the need to be liked or needed repeatedly overrides our own needs, we risk losing sight of what matters to us.
Caring for others can be an expression of our values. The challenge is recognising when generosity becomes an obligation rather than a choice.
Are you choosing to help because it matters to you, or because you feel unable to say no?
The Expectations We Carry
Some of the rules guiding our lives are ones we've never consciously chosen.
Perhaps we've learned that hard work always comes first, that being a good person means putting others before ourselves, or that success is measured by achievement.
Over time, these expectations can become part of our identity. We continue to follow them, even when they no longer reflect who we are or how we want to live.
It's worth asking: Am I living by values I've chosen, or expectations I've simply inherited?
When Fear Makes The Decisions
Fear doesn't always feel like fear. Sometimes, it sounds like being sensible, waiting for the right time or telling ourselves we're not ready.
We may avoid change because we fear failure, stay silent to prevent conflict or postpone something meaningful because we're worried about what others might think.
We don't have to eliminate fear to live by our values. We need to recognise when it's influencing our decisions and decide whether we're willing to move forward anyway.
Habits, Busyness And Autopilot
Sometimes, the obstacle is simply the way we've become accustomed to living.
We move from one task to another, fill quiet moments with distractions and measure our days by what we've accomplished rather than how we've experienced them.
When life runs on autopilot, we have little opportunity to question whether our time and energy reflect our priorities.
The answer isn't necessarily to do less of everything. It might be gentler than that; for example, pause before agreeing to another commitment, protect time for something meaningful or reconsider a routine that no longer serves us.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Our beliefs about who we are can be particularly difficult to recognise because they often feel like facts, as follows:
· I'm selfish if I put myself first.
· It's too late to change.
· I can't disappoint people.
· I'll make time for myself when everything else is sorted.
These stories are often shaped by past experiences, fears and expectations. When we accept them without question, they can limit the choices we believe are available to us.
What if, instead of thinking, "I'm selfish if I put my needs first," we asked, "How can I care for myself while still caring for others?"
The circumstances may remain the same, but questioning our assumptions can open up new possibilities.
We don't need to replace every difficult thought with a positive one. We simply need to recognise the stories influencing our choices and ask whether they still serve us.
From Awareness To Action
Recognising these patterns isn't about finding fault with ourselves. It's about understanding what drives our decisions so we can respond more consciously.
That might mean setting a boundary, having an honest conversation, making time for something that restores us or questioning an expectation we've followed for years.
These actions may seem small, but they bring our everyday choices closer to the values we want to live by, because we don't need a complete life overhaul. We need to notice when we act out of habit or obligation and identify where we can choose differently.
A Moment To Reflect
Take a little time to consider these questions:
Where do I find it hardest to honour what matters to me?
Am I responding to my values or to other people's expectations?
What fear, habit or familiar story might be influencing my choices?
What is one small thing I could do differently this week?
Approach these questions with curiosity and self-compassion.
The aim is to understand yourself better, not to create another list of things to improve.
One Choice At A Time
Living by our values doesn't require us to get everything right. It asks us to pay attention to the choices we make.
When we pause before automatically saying yes, question an old assumption or choose rest without feeling we must earn it, we're creating space to live differently.
This is where Remember • Rewrite • Live comes into practice: remembering what matters, rewriting the stories that hold us back and living our values through our everyday choices.
A Moment To Reflect
What is getting in the way of the life I want to live, and what is one small thing I can do differently?
If you'd like to explore this further, my free A Guide to Intentional Living is available on my website. It offers space to reflect on what matters to you and practical exercises to help you bring greater awareness and intention to everyday life.
Sometimes, change begins with noticing what we've been doing without question and choosing, one step at a time, how we want to live instead.
Next week: What would change if I lived more intentionally by my values?
Moving from reflection into small, meaningful choices that make everyday life feel more aligned.