What Really Matters to Me?
October Series Part 1
Identifying the values that are genuinely yours, rather than the ones you've inherited, adopted or feel you should have.
Image with thanks to Unsplash - Jared Rice @jareddrice
Have you ever been in a values session and been asked to pick from a list of words on a worksheet? I know I have, and the exercise in itself is always worthwhile.
Values are the things that quietly matter to us – the things that make us feel more like ourselves.
The things we miss when they're not there and sometimes, the things we don't realise we've lost sight of until something makes us stop and notice.
So rather than picking from a list, perhaps the place to begin is with a simple question:
What really matters to me?
It's a deceptively simple question, because if you're anything like me, there are probably plenty of things you could say should matter.
Family.
Health.
Being kind.
Having a successful career.
Being a good person.
Looking after the people you love.
Being responsible.
Doing the right thing.
But beneath all those expectations is another question:
What matters to me?
Not to my family, friends or other people’s expectations, but ME when all the other noise dissipates.
We Pick Up Values Along The Way
I don't think we consciously choose all of our values. Some are handed to us, some are absorbed from the people around us, some come from our upbringing, our culture, our experiences, and behaviours we may have been praised for in our early years.
And some develop because life teaches us something; perhaps you learned early that being dependable was important or that working hard was how you earned respect.
Perhaps you became the person everyone could rely on.
The one who organised things, who was always on hand to help others and the one who kept going.
There's nothing wrong with any of that, but sometimes a strength can become a way of living that we never stop to question. These are some examples:
We become so used to being the person who does everything for everyone else that we don't notice how little space is left for us.
We become so accustomed to being busy that stillness feels uncomfortable.
We become so focused on being sensible that we forget what excites us.
And sometimes when things get overwhelming or difficult, we might find ourselves wondering why life doesn't feel quite the way we thought it would.
When Something Feels Slightly Out Of Place
I don't think you necessarily need to be unhappy for this to happen; sometimes life can be good.
You can have a lovely home, people you care about, work you're proud of and plenty to be grateful for and still have a sense that something isn't quite fitting.
I've experienced that feeling myself. It’s not necessarily as a dramatic “I need to change my whole life” moment.
More as a quiet realisation that some things had gradually become more important than others.
The things that were urgent had started to take priority over the things that mattered, and I suspect this happens to many of us – life gets busy, or responsibilities grow and other people's needs become part of our everyday thinking.
Then without really deciding to, we can end up living according to what needs doing rather than what matters most.
So What Does Matter?
I've found that sometimes it's easier not to start with a list of values. Instead, think about the moments when you have felt most like yourself; it might be something very ordinary.
A long conversation with someone you love.
Walking somewhere with no particular destination.
Being outside.
Making something with your hands.
Learning something that interests you.
Having time to think.
Helping someone.
Laughing until your stomach hurts.
Sitting quietly with a cup of tea and nowhere you need to be.
Or perhaps it's something much bigger — travelling somewhere new, starting again, making a difficult decision, finally saying what you really think.
Then ask yourself:
What was it about that moment that mattered to me?
Was it connection?
Freedom?
Creativity?
Curiosity?
Peace?
Adventure?
Being useful?
Being myself without having to perform?
There may be clues there.
Sometimes the difficult moments tell us too - think about the things that leave you feeling frustrated or resentful.
Perhaps you hate being rushed, or you find it difficult when someone tries to control you.
Perhaps being ignored hurts more than you would like to admit, or maybe superficial relationships leave you feeling empty.
Perhaps you become particularly uncomfortable when you feel that you're not being true to yourself.
Those reactions tell us something too - if being rushed makes you miserable, perhaps having space matters to you.
If being controlled feels unbearable, perhaps freedom matters.
If superficiality bothers you, perhaps depth and authenticity matter.
Sometimes what we feel most strongly can point towards what we value most deeply.
The other thing worth remembering is that what matters can change.
You don't have to hold on to the same values forever.
What mattered to you in your twenties may not be what matters most now because life experiences change us.
What Matters To Me Now?
That's a very different question.
And one worth asking.
A Little Reflection For This Week
If you have ten quiet minutes, take a piece of paper and write down the first five things that come to mind when you ask yourself:
What really matters to me?
Don't overthink it.
Then look at what you've written and ask:
Where do I see these things in my life?
And then, gently:
Where don't I?
You don't need to do anything about the answers straight away. This is about just noticing, because I think there is something quite powerful about becoming aware of the distance between what we say matters and what actually receives our time, energy and attention.
And perhaps that's where living by our values begins – with noticing.
Remember. Rewrite. Live.
Live by design, not by default.
Next week: Am I actually living what I say I value?
Because knowing what matters to us is one thing; making room for it in the life we're actually living is another.