The Moment You Stop Abandoning Yourself
Trusting yourself isn't always about making the big decision. Sometimes it's simply about staying on your own side.
With thanks to Unsplash - Image Alexey Demidov @alexeydemidov
I’ve noticed recently that there’s a particular kind of tiredness that doesn't come from doing too much, but from continually overriding yourself – whether from a place of people pleasing or lack of self confidence and it can present like this:
Saying yes when you mean no.
Staying quiet when something doesn't feel right.
Talking yourself out of what you know because someone else seems more certain.
Putting everyone else's needs into the equation before you've even considered your own.
And perhaps the most exhausting part is that, from the outside, everything can look perfectly fine.
You're being kind. You're being helpful. You're being reasonable. You're keeping the peace.
But somewhere underneath all of that, a quieter voice is asking:
What about me?
I've been thinking about this a lot during my own exploration of ‘trusting myself’ even to the extent of inflicting my desire to ‘people please’ on others.
Last week, I wrote about how self-trust isn't the same as certainty. We can't always know whether we're making the right decision, and sometimes the best we can do is trust ourselves to deal with whatever comes next.
And perhaps the most exhausting part is that, from the outside, everything can look perfectly fine.
You're being kind. You're being helpful. You're being reasonable. You're keeping the peace.
But somewhere underneath all of that, a quieter voice is asking:
What about me?
I've been thinking about this a lot during my own exploration of ‘trusting myself’ even to the extent of inflicting my desire to ‘people please’ on others.
Last week, I wrote about how self-trust isn't the same as certainty. We can't always know whether we're making the right decision, and sometimes the best we can do is trust ourselves to deal with whatever comes next.
But there is another side to self-trust that feels just as important - it's learning not to abandon yourself in the process of keeping everyone else happy.
The quiet ways we abandon ourselves
We tend to think of self-abandonment as something dramatic but most of the time it isn’t like that at all – in fact it can be remarkably ordinary.
We tend to think of self-abandonment as something dramatic but most of the time it isn’t like that at all – in fact it can be remarkably ordinary.
It's agreeing to something you don't have the capacity for because you don't want to disappoint someone.
It's dismissing your own feelings because you tell yourself someone else has it worse.
It's asking five people what they think before allowing yourself to decide.
It's changing your plans because someone else might be unhappy.
It's saying, "It doesn't matter," when actually it does.
It's convincing yourself that you're being difficult when you're simply expressing a need.
And sometimes it's even more subtle than that.
You know you need rest, but you push through.
You know you need to have a conversation, but you keep putting it off.
You know something isn't working, but you keep trying to make yourself want it.
You know you need to say no, but instead you start constructing a very complicated explanation for why you can't say yes.
I recognise some of these patterns in myself - perhaps that's why I've become increasingly interested in the difference between being considerate and abandoning yourself.
They can look very similar from the outside, but they feel completely different on the inside.
Being kind doesn't mean losing your self worth
I think many of us were taught, directly or indirectly, that being a good person means being accommodating.
Think about other people. Don't make a fuss. Be helpful. Be understanding. Don't let people down.
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with kindness, consideration or generosity.
The problem begins when those qualities require us to continually override ourselves.
Because there is a difference between saying:
"I care about you." And "Your needs matter more than mine."
There is a difference between listening to someone else's perspective and handing them the authority to decide what is right for you.
And there is a difference between keeping the peace and creating peace because sometimes keeping the peace means swallowing what you really want to say.
Creating peace might mean having the uncomfortable conversation you've been avoiding.
One keeps everything looking calm, the other creates the possibility of something being genuinely different.
What if disappointing someone isn't a failure?
I’ve found that one of the hardest lessons in self-trust is that sometimes having to choose yourself, will disappoint someone else.
But here’s the thing I’m learning; choosing yourself doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong.
This can be particularly difficult if you've spent years being the dependable one, the one other rely on, the person who always says yes, the person who remembers everything and the person who thinks about everyone else’s needs before their own.
When you begin doing things differently, people may notice, they may even question it and that can trigger an enormous amount of self-doubt.
Am I being selfish?
Am I overreacting?
Should I just keep the peace?
Maybe I should do what I've always done.
But perhaps another question is worth asking:
What would happen if I didn't immediately assume that someone else's disappointment meant I'd made the wrong choice?
That's a very different way of looking at it.
Someone can be disappointed and you can still be right for yourself.
Someone can disagree with you and you can still respect your own decision.
Someone can prefer the old version of you and you can still grow beyond it.
Self-trust sometimes means being willing to tolerate that discomfort.
Your body may notice before your mind does
There is another reason this can be complicated -sometimes we don't consciously realise that we're overriding ourselves.
We simply notice that we're tense, irritated, drained or restless.
We keep replaying the same conversation over and over or feel a sense of resistance that we can't quite explain.
This doesn't mean every uncomfortable feeling is a message that we should immediately act on. As I wrote last week, we can't assume that every strong feeling is intuition. Sometimes fear, old patterns or familiarity can influence what we experience.
But discomfort can still be information - rather than immediately dismissing it, we can become curious.
What is happening here?
What am I feeling?
What am I needing?
What am I afraid might happen if I honour that need?
That last question can be particularly revealing, because sometimes the issue isn't that we don't know what we want.
It's that we're afraid of what might happen if we actually admit it.
Self-trust is built in ordinary moments
We often imagine that trusting ourselves will arrive as a great wave of confidence – that one day we'll suddenly know exactly who we are, what we want and what we're doing.
I'm increasingly convinced it doesn't work like that – it’s much quieter than that. It’s riding those uncomfortable moments knowing that repetition is building a greater sense of self. And it may appear like this:
Every time you pause before automatically saying yes.
Every time you tell yourself the truth.
Every time you keep a small promise to yourself.
Every time you notice that something isn't working and allow yourself to acknowledge it.
Every time you change your mind without attacking yourself for having chosen differently before.
Every time you ask for advice without handing over your authority.
Every time you choose what is right for you, even when it isn't what someone else would choose.
You're creating evidence.
I listen to myself.
I take myself seriously.
My needs matter.
I can handle someone's disappointment.
I don't have to get everything right.
I am allowed to change.
A small experiment for this week
Rather than making one enormous life decision this week, I want to suggest something much smaller.
Notice the moments when you're about to override yourself.
Perhaps someone asks you to do something.
Perhaps you're about to agree to plans.
Perhaps you have an opinion but automatically look around to see what everyone else thinks.
Perhaps you notice you're tired but immediately tell yourself you should keep going.
Before responding, pause, take one breath and ask yourself:
What do I actually think?
What do I actually need?
What would I choose if I wasn't worried about disappointing anyone?
You don't necessarily have to act on the answer immediately, the point is simply to hear yourself, because you can't build self-trust without first becoming willing to listen to the person you're trying to trust.
And that person is you.
A NeuroSoul Reflection
Perhaps this is the deeper work of trusting yourself – developing a relationship with yourself in which your own voice gets a seat at the table.
Not the seat you give yourself after everyone else's needs have been considered or the seat you occupy only when nobody else disagrees and maybe, for some of us, self-trust begins with a very simple decision:
I am going to stop abandoning myself to make everyone else comfortable.
You don't have to become a different person, become louder or stop caring about other people.
You simply have to begin including yourself in the care you so readily give to everyone else.
This week's book recommendation
Set Boundaries, Find Peace — Nedra Glover Tawwab
If this week's reflection resonates with you, this is a book I'd recommend exploring.
Nedra Glover Tawwab's work is particularly useful if you're beginning to recognise how people-pleasing, over-explaining or difficulty saying no can affect your relationships and your sense of self.
I like the idea of boundaries here not as walls between ourselves and other people, but as a way of making our needs visible.
And perhaps that is another form of self-trust: allowing yourself to be known.
[Explore Set Boundaries, Find Peace on Amazon UK — affiliate link]
I've also previously recommended Brené Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection, which remains a beautiful companion to this theme, particularly around authenticity, worthiness and letting go of the pressure to get everything right.
[Explore The Gifts of Imperfection on Amazon UK — affiliate link]
Remember. Rewrite. Live.
Live by design, not by default.