What Do I Genuinely Want More of in My Life?
September Series Part 3
Moving from other people's expectations towards your own desires, values and choices.
Last week I asked: Whose expectations are you still living by?
It can be surprisingly revealing to start noticing the rules, roles and expectations that have shaped our lives, but once you begin questioning what you should do, be or want, another question naturally follows:
What do I genuinely want?
Not what would make sense, what would look good, what other people might approve of and certainly not what you think you should want at this stage of your life, but what do you genuinely want more of?
Image with thanks to Unsplash - Andreas Wagner @waguluz_
Desire can be surprisingly difficult to hear
Many of us become very good at knowing what other people need, what needs doing. We inherently know what is expected of us and what the sensible choices are.
But asking: What do you want?
Suddenly there can be a pause, and that may be because you genuinely don’t know.
Or perhaps you do know, but you've become so accustomed to filtering your wants through practicality that you dismiss them before they have a chance to speak – they could manifest like this:
That's unrealistic.
I haven't got time.
Maybe later.
It's too expensive.
I'm too old.
Someone else needs me.
It isn't important.
I should be grateful for what I've already got.
Somewhere along the way, wanting can become something we have to justify, and when that happens, we can lose touch with desire altogether.
What If Desire Is Information?
I don't think we have to act on every desire, but our desires can tell us something. They can be clues to:
What are you drawn towards?
What makes you curious?
What gives you energy?
What do you find yourself envying in other people's lives?
The moment you see someone doing something and think: I'd love to have more of that in my life.
Perhaps it's their freedom.
Their creativity.
Their friendships.
Their confidence.
Their slower pace.
Their sense of adventure.
Their willingness to try something new.
Their ability to say no.
Their connection with nature.
Their work.
Their courage.
Sometimes what catches our attention doesn't tell us exactly what we should do; it may simply show us something we have been missing.
Pay Attention To Energy
One of the ways I have started thinking about desire is through energy.
What gives you a little lift?
What makes you lose track of time?
What do you find yourself returning to?
What are you curious about even though you haven't done anything about it yet?
What did you once love doing before life became so practical?
These questions can be more useful than asking yourself: What should I do with the rest of my life?
That's a very big question and can make desire feel like a project – a different approach would be to start smaller.
What would I like a little more of?
More laughter?
More quiet?
More creativity?
More movement?
More adventure?
More meaningful conversations?
More time outside?
More learning?
More connection?
More space?
More spontaneity?
More solitude?
More contribution?
More pleasure?
More of yourself?
You don't need to know exactly what it means yet; it’s enough to just notice.
The Difference Between Wanting And Needing To Change Everything
There is a temptation, when we finally admit what we want, to believe we have to do something dramatic about it.
However, sometimes creating a life that feels more like yours begins with something much smaller:
You want more creativity, so you give yourself an hour on Sunday afternoon to paint.
You want more nature, so you take a longer walk without turning it into exercise.
You want more connection, so you stop waiting for someone else to organise the gathering.
You want more rest, so you stop treating every space in your diary as an opportunity to be productive.
You want more adventure, so you say yes to something unfamiliar.
Small choices can be surprisingly powerful because they begin to send a different message: My needs matter too.
What If I Don't Know What I Want?
This is worth saying because I think many people will recognise it.
Sometimes we’ve spent so long adapting, coping and doing what is needed that the question of desire feels almost foreign.
If that's where you are, don't force an answer. Start by noticing what you don't want more of – the list below may help:
More rushing.
More obligation.
More noise.
More people-pleasing.
More being available all the time.
More doing things simply because you've always done them.
More living according to someone else's definition of success.
Sometimes knowing what you want begins with becoming honest about what you are tired of, and sometimes the first sign of desire is simply: I don't want this anymore because desire and gratitude can coexist.
We can believe that wanting something different means we aren't grateful for what we already have; I've certainly wrestled with that myself, but I'm beginning to recognise that gratitude and desire can coexist.
I can appreciate my life and still want to change something.
I can love people and want more space for myself.
I can be grateful for what I've achieved and still want to explore something new.
I can value security and still want more freedom.
I can be content with much of my life and still recognise that something is missing.
Wanting more doesn't automatically mean that what you have isn't enough; it simply means you are listening to yourself.
A Practice For This Week
Rather than creating another list of things you should change, try an experiment in noticing. Take a quiet moment and complete these sentences:
I'd like more ________ in my life.
I'd like less ________.
I feel most like myself when ________.
I find myself curious about _____ ___.
If I had a little more freedom, I'd ________.
Something I've been quietly longing for is ________.
And then ask yourself:
Where did that desire come from?
Is it genuinely yours, or is it another version of what you think you should want?
Don't judge the answers; you don't have to act on them or tell anyone.
For now, simply allow yourself to hear what comes up and give yourself permission to want. Perhaps the most important part of this exercise is not deciding what to do.
It's allowing yourself to want something without immediately explaining it away.
You don't have to build a five-year plan around it or prove that it is practical - you can simply say: “This matters to me.”
And perhaps that's where something begins to shift because when we know what we genuinely want more of, we have something to move towards, rather than simply something to move away from.
Last week was about questioning the expectations that shaped our choices. This week is about listening for the quieter voice underneath them.
And next week, we can take the next step: What would I choose if I gave myself permission to make my life feel more like mine?
Remember what matters to you.
Rewrite the assumptions that tell you your desires are too much, too late or too impractical.
Live by making small choices that bring more of what matters into your everyday life.
You don't need to reinvent your life overnight.
Remember. Rewrite. Live.
Live by design, not by default.