What Would I Choose If I Gave Myself Permission to Make My Life Feel More Like Mine?
September Series Part 4
Moving from knowing what you want to giving yourself permission to choose it.
Image with thanks to Unsplash - Eric Froehling @efro247
Last week I asked: What do I genuinely want more of in my life?
It's a question that can uncover more than we expect, because once we stop asking what we should want and start listening to what we actually desire, another question appears:
What would I choose if I gave myself permission to make my life feel more like mine?
Not someone else's life, not the life that looks successful from the outside, and not the one that keeps everyone else comfortable at your expense.
Just yours.
It sounds liberating, but it can also be uncomfortable because we often tell ourselves that we can't change something because it isn't possible.
Sometimes that's true; of course, responsibilities, financial realities, relationships, health considerations, and circumstances genuinely constrain our choices, but sometimes what looks like impossibility is actually something else, something else is: permission.
To change our minds.
To do something differently.
To disappoint someone.
To be less available.
To start something new.
To stop doing something we've outgrown.
To want a life that looks different from the one we originally imagined.
And perhaps most importantly: Permission to make choices that make sense to us, even when they don't make sense to everyone else.
We Can Become Attached To An Old Version Of Ourselves
One of the strangest things about adulthood is how easily we can become identified with who we've been.
I'm the responsible one.
I'm the dependable one.
I'm the sensible one.
I'm the one who always copes.
I'm the one everyone comes to.
I'm the one who doesn't make a fuss.
These identities aren't necessarily false - they may be qualities we genuinely value, but they can become restrictive when we assume that because we have always been a certain way, we must continue to be that way.
Perhaps you have changed, your circumstances have changed, or even what matters to you has changed. However, perhaps you are still making decisions for a version of yourself who no longer exists.
What Would You Choose?
Imagine, just for a moment, that you didn't have to justify your answer.
You didn't have to make anyone else happy.
You didn't have to explain why.
You didn't have to prove that it was sensible.
You didn't have to protect your identity as the person who always copes.
Ask yourself: What would I choose?
Where would I spend my time?
Who would I spend it with?
What would I stop doing?
What would I start doing?
What would I make space for?
What would I say no to?
What would I say yes to?
What would my mornings look like?
What would my weekends feel like?
What would I want my home to feel like?
What kind of work would feel meaningful?
What would I like to learn?
What would I like to experience?
What part of myself would I like to hear from again?
Don't rush to make the answers practical; this is an exercise in listening to yourself more deeply.
The Life That Feels Like Yours May Be Quieter Than You Think
When we talk about changing our lives, we often imagine dramatic transformation, but perhaps a life that feels more like yours doesn't need to look dramatically different from the outside.
Maybe it's about how you spend an ordinary Tuesday.
Maybe it's having enough space to think.
Maybe it's choosing fewer commitments.
Maybe it's making time for something you've always loved.
Maybe it's allowing yourself to rest without earning it first.
Maybe it's having a difficult conversation you've been avoiding.
Maybe it's spending more time with people who allow you to be yourself.
Maybe it's simply asking yourself what you think before automatically asking what everyone else needs.
Sometimes alignment isn't dramatic; it’s quiet. You just notice that you're finally present in your own life again.
The Discomfort Of Choosing Yourself
There is a part of this conversation that is really difficult, I know, as it resonates with the core of ‘me’ very deeply - choosing differently can disappoint people.
People may say:
But you've always done it.
Why are you changing now?
That's not like you.
Are you sure?
And if you're accustomed to keeping everyone comfortable, their discomfort can feel like evidence that you've done something wrong, which isn’t necessarily true.
Of course other people's feelings matter, but they don't automatically determine your choices.
You can care about someone and still make a different decision.
You can listen without obeying.
You can love without abandoning yourself.
You can be generous without giving everything away.
You can be responsible without taking responsibility for everyone's experience.
Sometimes becoming more yourself will require other people to get used to a version of you who has boundaries. You don't have to choose or change everything at once
You can ask:
“If I were designing this part of my life now, rather than simply continuing it, what would I choose?”
Then perhaps change one thing.
A boundary.
A morning.
A conversation.
A longstanding commitment.
An hour in the week.
A decision you've been postponing.
One thing you stop doing because you've realised you no longer want to.
Small choices matter because they build evidence that you can listen to yourself and that your needs can have a place.
A Practice For This Week
Take one area of your life where you feel that something isn't quite yours anymore - it could be work.
Relationships.
Time.
Home.
Health and wellbeing.
Friendships.
Money.
Creativity.
How you spend your weekends.
Or simply the way you move through your days.
Write down: This is how my life currently looks:
Then: If I were choosing this part of my life now, what would I choose?
And finally: What is one small choice I could make that would move me in that direction?
Becoming More Yourself
Perhaps creating a life that feels like yours isn't about discovering some perfect version of yourself waiting to emerge; instead, it's about becoming more honest about who you are now.
What you are ready to release and what you are ready to make room for that feels more spacious, more honest, more connected, more intentional – MORE YOU and perhaps that's a worthwhile definition of success.
Remember. Rewrite. Live.
Remember who you are beneath the roles and expectations.
Rewrite the rules that tell you there is only one acceptable way to live.
Live by making choices that reflect what matters to you now.
Live by design, not by default.