When Did You Start Living a Life That Doesn’t Quite Feel Like Yours?
Creating a Life That Feels Like Yours — September Series, Part One
Image with thanks to Unsplash - Noah Silliman @noahsilliman
The Quiet Drift Away From Yourself
There may not have been a single moment when you lost touch with yourself.
It's never a dramatic turning point, a wrong decision, or a single day when you wake up and consciously choose a life that doesn't feel like yours.
It may have happened much more quietly than that, one responsibility at a time. One expectation you learned to meet or role you became good at playing. One decision based on what was sensible, necessary or expected, and then, one day, you find yourself looking at your life and wondering: How did I get here?
Perhaps nothing is obviously wrong. You may have people you love, a home, work, routines and a life that, from the outside, looks perfectly fine, and you may even feel guilty for questioning it with thoughts like@
I should be grateful.
Other people have it much worse.
There's nothing really wrong with my life.
And yet something feels disconnected, not necessarily bad; just not quite yours.
So perhaps the question isn't, What's wrong with my life?
Perhaps the question is:
When did I start living a life that doesn't quite feel like mine?
That is where this month's theme begins, not with the pressure to change everything or the assumption that you've made all the wrong choices.
But with a quieter invitation to notice where, perhaps gradually and without intending to, you've stopped including yourself in the life you're living, because sometimes creating a life that feels like yours doesn't begin with a dramatic change.
Sometimes it begins with noticing.
You Can Build a Good Life and Still Feel Disconnected?
This is important because questioning your life does not mean you are ungrateful for what you currently have, because I think:
You can love people and still need more space for yourself.
You can appreciate what you have and still feel that something is missing.
You can have made the best decisions you knew how to make at the time and still discover that you have changed.
Perhaps that's one of the things we don't talk about enough. We can become loyal to lives built by earlier versions of ourselves - the version of you who:
Chose security because she needed security.
Worked hard because achievement mattered.
Became responsible because someone had to be.
Learned to put herself last because that was how she believed she would be loved, accepted or needed.
Those choices may have made complete sense, and they may even have served you well, but you are allowed to change because what you need can change and what matters to you can change over time.
What once felt right can stop feeling right, not because you made a mistake, but because you are no longer the same person who made those choices.
Creating a life that feels more like yours isn't necessarily about rejecting your past; you can fully embrace and celebrate that life because it made you the person you are today - it's about recognising that you are allowed to meet the person you are now.
How Do You Know You've Drifted?
There isn't one universal sign; for some people, it feels like exhaustion, boredom or a resentment you can’t quite explain, and it can manifest like this:
You may notice that your life is full, but you rarely feel fully present in it.
You may spend your days responding to what needs your attention, only to reach the evening and wonder where the day went.
You may be very clear about what everyone else needs from you, but struggle to answer a simple question about what you need.
You may notice that your choices have become automatic.
You say yes because you've always said yes.
You keep doing something because stopping would require an explanation.
You continue pursuing goals because you once decided they mattered.
You follow routines that no longer nourish you simply because they have become your life.
None of this necessarily means you need to change anything, but now and again, it may be worth paying attention, because familiar isn't always the same as meaningful and automatic isn't always the same as intentional; sometimes we become so busy living that we stop checking whether the life we're living still fits.
Sometimes Autopilot Feels Safer Than Awareness
Here’s another thing to consider: familiar patterns can be difficult to question.
Our brains are designed to create patterns. The more often we repeat a behaviour, response or routine, the less conscious effort it can require. Familiar ways of thinking and behaving can become automatic.
That is useful. We couldn't consciously analyse every decision we make throughout the day, but there is another side to autopilot.
We can continue doing what is familiar long after we have stopped asking whether it is meaningful, or keep following rules we learned years ago. Or we can keep pursuing goals we no longer want and keep responding to life in ways that once protected us but no longer serve us.
Awareness interrupts that process.
Noticing does not obligate you to immediately change your life.
Sometimes personal growth has been presented as though every insight must lead to a dramatic transformation; however, some of the most meaningful changes begin much more quietly, with honesty, curiosity and allowing yourself time for reflection.
The Question Beneath the Question
When we ask: When did I start living a life that doesn't quite feel like mine? - we aren't necessarily looking for one exact date or specific event or series of events - the question is intended to be an invitation to become curious.
You may not know the answers straight away, and that's okay because this is a gentle conversation with yourself and creating the space to listen. To notice what arises when nobody is asking anything of us and to become curious about the parts of ourselves that may have become quieter beneath responsibility, routine and expectation.
Coming Back Into Relationship With Yourself
I think this is what creating a life that feels like yours is really about - coming back into relationship with yourself means becoming interested in your own experience again.
Noticing your energy.
Listening to your resistance.
Paying attention to what brings relief.
Recognising what you miss.
Becoming curious about what makes you feel more like yourself.
Allowing yourself to want something without immediately deciding whether it is practical, productive or possible.
You don't have to act on every feeling, but you can listen to it and consider why it may feel uncomfortable, and perhaps, over time, you can begin including yourself more consciously in the decisions you make.
Start Here
If this question has stirred something in you, don't rush to solve it; just spend some time noticing.
You might begin with these questions:
What parts of my life feel most like me?
What parts feel as though I am simply going through the motions?
Where have I become so used to adapting that I no longer notice I'm doing it?
When was the last time I made a choice simply because it felt true for me?
You don't need perfect answers; even I don't know can be an honest and important place to begin, because if you've spent years responding to everyone and everything around you, learning to hear yourself again may take time.
You Don't Have to Change Everything
This is the message I want to carry through September.
“You don't have to become someone else to create a life that feels like yours.”
Sometimes you simply have to notice where you've stopped including yourself. That might eventually mean questioning an expectation or rediscovering something you once loved – as simple as a hobby or pastime.
Before any of that comes the first step, which is to notice.
Where you feel disconnected.
What has become automatic.
Where your life feels alive.
Where you disappear from your own decisions.
You don't have to know what comes next yet; for now, perhaps you only need to be willing to ask:
When did I start living a life that doesn't quite feel like mine?
Because perhaps, in asking that question, you're not discovering that you've done life wrong; you're simply beginning to notice where you are now, and from there, slowly and honestly, you can begin finding your way back into the decisions that shape your life.
Not by becoming someone else, but by remembering to include yourself.
If This Resonated
If any of this resonated with you, you might just need somewhere quiet to notice. A few books that sit alongside this month's theme really well, if you'd like to explore more, are:
For living an authentic life:
Wintering by Katherine May — for anyone who needs permission to slow down and notice, rather than fix.
Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown– belonging to yourself before belonging elsewhere.
For automatic living:
· Atomic Habits by James Clear – a gentle look at how automatic living happens, one small choice at a time. You can read a review for this book on the website: Book Review Atomic Habits by James Clear — Jackie Mandeir
And if you'd like a place to hold your own noticing, a simple journal or a set of reflection cards can be enough — not to solve anything, just to keep the questions somewhere they won't get lost in the busyness of the day.
· The 6-Minute Diary is a bestselling gratitude journal and one I personally like to use and gift to others.
· Know Yourself Cards for deeper self-awareness and emotional insight.
Next in the September series: Whose Expectations Am I Still Living By?
Remember. Rewrite. Live.
Live by design, not by default.
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