November Series – Part 2
Exploring how childhood experiences, family expectations, relationships, past disappointments, and the messages we have absorbed shape how we see ourselves today.
Image with thanks to Unsplash - Rainier Ridao @rainierridao
Last week, we began noticing the stories we tell ourselves. Perhaps a few familiar lines surfaced for you; the ones that seem to play on repeat.
This week, we ask a softer, more curious question: where did those stories come from?
None of us arrived in the world believing we were "not enough," "too much," or "better off staying quiet." We learned or absorbed these ideas, often long before we had the words or the power to question them.
Have you ever wondered why you react in a particular way, struggle to accept a compliment, feel uncomfortable saying no, or find yourself questioning whether you're good enough?
Sometimes our reactions make more sense when we look beyond the immediate situation.
The way we see ourselves today is often shaped over many years. Beliefs have developed through experiences, relationships, observations and the messages we've received, both directly and indirectly.
Some of those messages were spoken. Others were communicated through expectations, behaviour and the way people responded to us, and although we may no longer remember where a particular belief began, its influence can remain.
We Learn About Ourselves Through Experience
Childhood Experiences. A teacher's offhand comment, a moment of embarrassment in front of the class, being praised only when we achieved. As children, we make sense of the world as best we can, and sometimes they lead us to conclude, "This must be me.”
Family Expectations. Every family has unspoken rules.
We don't make a fuss.
Money is hard to come by.
Be sensible.
Don't get above yourself.
We inherit these messages and often carry them as if they were our own.
Relationships. The people closest to us can shape how we see ourselves, for better or worse. Being told who we are, or who we should be, can leave a lasting imprint.
Past Disappointments. A door that closed, a risk that didn't pay off, a time we tried and it hurt. Sometimes the story we write afterwards is designed to protect us: “Better not to try again.”
The wider messages around us. Culture, community, the media and the expectations placed on our age, gender, work or background all leave their mark.
The Expectations We Absorb
As we grow older, our priorities change. We have different experiences, develop our own values and begin to see the world through a different lens.
What once felt right may no longer reflect what matters to us.
This is particularly important when we reach a stage of life where we begin to question what we really want, rather than simply continuing along a path that has been shaped by other people's expectations.
Exploring where our stories began isn't about blaming parents, partners, teachers or anyone else: most of our stories were created for a good reason.
The child who learned to be quiet may have been keeping the peace.
The one who learned to be self-reliant may have needed to be.
The story was a way of coping, belonging or staying safe.
This blog is about understanding with compassion; when we see where a story began, we can begin to see it as something that happened to us, rather than something fundamentally true of us.
A Little Reflection
Pick one story you noticed last week. Then, gently explore:
When is the earliest time I remember feeling this way?
Who was around? What was said, or left unsaid?
What was I trying to protect myself from?
What would my younger self have needed to hear?
Go slowly. If a memory feels too tender, you can pause.
There is no rush, and you do not have to do this alone. Sharing with a trusted friend, or working with a professional, can be a wonderful support.
This week's question: Where did this story begin?
Next week, we ask whether the story still belongs in your life.